DIGITAL SPACES

The couch. The navy blue sectional couch. The navy blue cloth sectional couch sitting in my dad’s living room. I still remember that couch. That is where I was sitting when my life would be changed forever. It was August 13, one of the last days of summer before I started first grade. It was a beautiful day that would be scorched into my memory forever. It's a day I wish I could erase. Just go back a few days before. My only wish in life is for the erasing of this day.

We walk into my dad’s house, now my house, my brother, sister, grandparents, and me. I don’t see my dad. That’s strange; my grandmother said we are here to see him. He has something important to tell us. My stepmom greets us at the door. It looks like she’s been crying, but she won’t look in our direction. I wonder what’s wrong. I don’t see my stepbrothers or sisters. They should be playing in the yard on this beautiful day. We are pulled into the living room. Even for a six year old, I know this is unusual. We were placed on that blue couch. That couch would change my life forever. We sit there for what feels like a million years. By now, my stepmom has gone down stairs; I guess to get my dad. He spends most of his time down there in his office. My grandmother is sitting next to my siblings and me. It’s just us and my grandparents in the living room. My grandmother clears her throat; she’s crying now. I just want to know what’s going on.

“Your mom was in an accident yesterday, they took her to the hospital. The doctors tried their best, but they couldn’t help her. I'm so sorry, your mommy went to heaven last night.”

My grandmother can barely finish the sentence. She is given the chore of telling three small children their mommy is dead. I hate that word, dead. My mom is Wonder Woman. She can’t die. She’s supposed to live forever. There has to be a mistake. THIS is why we had to come here. This is the important news my dad has to tell us. The important news he cannot bring himself to tell his three children. Who can blame him? How do you tell your children that their mom has passed away?

The words are like a knife to my heart. The warm, salt filled tears burst from my eyes. Not even their warmth can comfort me. My life is changed forever. I don’t have a mom; just like that. Time stops for what feels like centuries, I try to wrap my six-year-old mind around the thought of growing up without a mom; a foreign idea. That only happens in the movies. My sister is sitting in the middle of my brother and me hugging us. She is the oldest; she has to be the big one, the brave one. I don’t know it now, but she will be the glue that keeps us together for years to come.

“It’s okay, you can come live with Mamaw, now,” my grandmother says trying her best to comfort me. I have always been a Mamaw’s boy. She knows it won’t comfort me now; nothing will comfort me now. In the last minute, she has become more than my mamaw; she is now the mother figure in our lives. She is the one we will come to when we are sick, for hugs and kisses, and she is the one who will receive Mother’s Day gifts from now on.

My dad finally gets the courage to walk up the stairs and walk into the living room. He looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. His first love, the mother of his three children, is no longer here. His footsteps towards us require all of his strength. My grandfather walks over to him and catches him in his arms for a hug. This is the first time I see my dad cry. This is what it takes to make the man stronger than Superman cry. My grandfather is talking to him now. I only make a few words; stay strong for the kids; I love you, go to them now. My dad starts the hardest walk in his life again. After what feels like an eternity, he reaches us and grabs us up for a hug. His hug is the most comforting thing I have ever felt. It is a hug that changes his relationship with us forever. He is no longer just daddy; he is the parent, my only parent. He has become both mom and dad in less than twenty-four hours. His appearance now does not match what he has to become. The man stronger than Superman has been hit with his Kryptonite.

“I love you,” is all he can get out. The only words from the only voice I want to hear besides hers.

We sit on the couch in silence, only to be broken every couple of minutes by my dad’s I love you’s, for the next twenty minutes, crying. My brother is the first the leave. He is too young to understand the situation. He’ll understand in time, when he is older. My sister and I cling to my dad’s chest like our lives depend on it. My dad’s touch is the only thing comforting us at this moment. His hands are our heads pulling them close to his heart. I lie upon his chest listening to his heartbeat. With every beat, it breaks more.  I can feel his tears as they land on the top of my head. How can he be strong when his heart is as broke as ours?

“I love you so much. Mommy is not in any more pain. She loves you so much."

It is hours before I get the strength to walk outside. I see my brother riding his bike. He doesn’t really understand what has happened. He stops when he sees me walking down the steps. I walk to him and hug him, the tears still drying on my face. He still doesn’t grasp what has happened. 

“Joshy, when can we go see mommy?”

“Cody, we can’t see her anymore,” I tell him. The tears start again. It’s not his fault; he’s only four. I just miss my mommy.

…

Now, it’s fifteen years later and that memory is still scorched into my memory. I miss her so much. I was so young. We only had six years together. It may seem harsh to some, but I'm glad that we lost her at young ages when it’s difficult to truly understand the situation because it would have killed me to lose her now. I went to her gravesite for the second time since she has passed a couple of days ago; I couldn’t help but wonder what she would think of me, now. I have grown into someone she would be proud of. I finished high school in the top ten percent of my class, I am attending the University of Kentucky, and I'm about to graduate in a couple of months with degrees in management and marketing. She would be proud that her little boy has grown into a young man about to start his life as a college graduate. Even with all my success, I would give it all up; just to hear her say I love you.